I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Everyone says I win the strip club
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
