Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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