If that was your dad, he is hot
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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