I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
