So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
