Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
