i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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