u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
