I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
