life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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