I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
