i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
