My Higher Power is John Stamos
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
