she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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