you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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