I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
