Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
