Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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