i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
