I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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