hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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