My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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