so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
