i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
