You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
