Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
