Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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