The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize