no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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