I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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