remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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