I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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