my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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