when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
