Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
