I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
