the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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