...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
