i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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