You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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