I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
