More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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