tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
