i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
