my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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