I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize