So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
