Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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