I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
