i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
