I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm too high and old for this...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
