M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
