I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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