apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
