I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Randomize
