nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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