i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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