So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
