Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
