You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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