FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
