When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
