If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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