I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize